| Subject: |
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Insights and advise needed and appreciated |
| Name: |
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mwb |
| Date Posted: |
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Feb 26, 06 - 11:36 PM |
| Email: |
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brown_bmw@yahoo.com |
| Website: |
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http://threeinlove.com forum |
| Message: |
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I am experiencing an almost overwhelming dilemma. I am a just turned 40yr old gay male who was in a very caring, loving and trusting 16yr relationship with another man. On a rather spontaneous trip from San Diego to Albuquerque together 2 1/2 years ago, we went to a gay club together. We had never been serious clubbers together and lead a rather traditional, monogamous lifestyle together (at least I believed that for the first 13 of our 16 yrs together). Prior to me and my life partner's trip to Albuquerque, I had been made aware that my partner had indeed had several sexual / romantic experiences during our so called monogamous relationship. After I had discovered this information, I never felt the same about life, love and happiness. I realized that possibly my idea of monogamy and its trappings for me were certainly based on the love, soul-mate feeling and wonderful care and interest and romance I had with my 16 yr partner. However, I also realized that a significant part of our relationship was based on the "perceived" security of a monogamous partnership. Anyway, the night my partner and I went to a mixed dance club together in Albuquerque changed my life and my then relationship of 16yrs forever, and the way I think, believe and process the concept of true love. While at the club, my partner took a break from the dance floor and went to sit down. I remained, and the future of my 16yr committed relationship turned upside down, literally knocking me over with both confusion and bliss simultaneously. I have been in many clubs surrounded by many beautiful and interesting men, many of them interested in me - I never took advantage of the potential opportunities because of my committment to a monogamous relationship. But on this night, something happened to me I had never believed could, would or should happen, but it did. While I was still dancing, my partner resting, surrounded by hundreds of cute guys, all of a sudden I was intensely moved by the presence of another young man who was dancing with his friend. The moment we saw each other it felt like pure magic - like we had known each other forever - the feeling between us was so strong and so unfamiliar to me, I actually walked my new friend over to my then partner and introduced them. I don't particularly believe in the concept of "love at first sight", but I will tell you that there certainly can be an immediate, profound, mutual attraction and intense connection between strangers - but we didn't feel like strangers - we also, as did my then partner, felt like soul mates. To make a very long and complex story as brief as possible, I left my 16yr relationship for my new found love. I have been with my new partner for almost three years - and we love each other very, very much. However, aside from the 16 yr age difference between me and my new partner, the biggest dilemma is that I have never stoppoed being in love with my first partner of 16yrs. Strangely enough, my old and new partner actually, yet currently non romantically, love and care for each other and have and continue to socialize well and have fun together. My dilemma, (or blessing whichever the case may be)is that I love both of these people equally. I had believed that the feelings for my previous partner and his for me would naturally subside and dissipate after almost three years of separation - but it has been the exact opposite - we miss each other more and more, not less and less. I have been honest with my new partner about the love and feeling of loss I have for my old partner. My new partner, though having naturally inherant feelings of jealously and insecurity recognizes the love and connection my previous partner and I have for each other. The fact that I love these two people more than words can describe is not in question. The problem is that I have created great discomfort among the three of us by loving them both, to the point that I have (with great heart ache) begun thinking that the only alternatives to end this problematic scenario is: (1) My preference to coexist with them both in a mutually loving and caring relationship (which I do believe is possible and could potentially be very beneficial and satisfying to all, or: (2)Absolutely heart breaking and stomach wrenching to all three of us, estranging myself from both of them. My first partner would be willing to give the three way relationship a fair shot. My new and younger partner is depressed and confused (as I would have been just several years ago with my definitively different thought process of life and love at that time. I know that I am well capable of loving two people at once without diluting the quality of love I have for them individually as they have similar and very diffrent, wonderful attributes individually. They are the only people I have ever felt connected to and loved as much in my life. I decided to celebrate my 40th Birthday in Europe this March 06. I invited on open ivitation my closest friends including my old and new partner. Ironically, and not manipulated by me, the only three that can make the trip together are my old and new partner. And we are going together. It seems to me, for a world of variety of reasons my new and old partner would have distain for each other because they both love me so much. But they don't - they love and appreciate each other, despite the natural bouts of jealously over me. My old partner is willing to try a three way partnership because we intensely love, care and miss each other on very deep levels. My new partner is extremly apprehensive of such a proposed scenario, depressed, yet somewhat curious and at least, but yet with significant discomfort with such an unorthodox, out of the box, success rate unknown three way relationship concept, will discuss that notion, though most unfavorablt and with great doubt of its potential success. My 16 yr loving and caring relationship was not mutually monogamous, but looking back, it wasn't my then partner's cheating / experiencing with others that really ultimately bothered me, it was the dishonesty of him not telling me, but finding out from other sources. Life is short, and I want happiness for the three of us - which seems impossible in the current scenario. It disturbs me that I can have such a sincere and unconditional love for two people, yet I don't believe that I could be in a two way relationship with either without constantly missing the other not being there. Thanks for listening to my abbreviated, yet long story of personal confusion of what to do at this point. Any suggestions, comments, insights,personal experience stories I truly would appreciate. Thank you - Marcus. |
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