Hiya im carrie. im gonna make myself sound kinda crazy writing this, i guess i am kinda crazy. well i will try and explain. im in year 10 at school and people in my year think im a freak. they call me weird freaky and other stuff that i can't5 say on here. when i was younger i was abused and it went on for many years untill i was 10 and told someone about it. i got moved around alot to different carers and i have seen different counsellors and stuff and i have even tried taking my own life a year ago. i have nightmares and flash backs about stuff that has happened to me and noone can stop them. i have just started to take medication from my doctor but have been told it takes a few weeks before they start to work. i some times freak out in lessons at school or if any one touches me. everyone thinks it funny. i just wanted to say that even though i told and stopped the abuse it doesn't get better. infact i would say it has messed my whole life up for ever.
sorry about the essay lol, thanks for listening to me

Hey, i'm Chels :)

So i read your message, everything sounds really horrible for ya atm. I know how that feels sometimes, But as for people thinking your a freak or crazy that isnt true, your actting the way anyone would act having been through what you have, i used to be shy and scared of pretty much everything but i started talking alot and getting help like you are doing and i have gotten so much better, i wont lie it was sooo hard and sometimes it still is, but i feel tons better most of the time, i still have bad days and that but i bet youll get there too, plus your clearly really strong because youve wrote on here to talk to someone and went to your doctors! thats brave!! i know how hard nightmares are are still have some from time to time but hardly ever anymore, if you keep talking they eventully go away, cause your letting it all out if that makes sense? also how brave you were to stop the abuse, you managed to do that by yourself you should be so proud of yourself, i would have loved to be that strong!! anyway youve came to the right place for help theres always someone on here and plus there is great people at eau to listen and help!

good luck!! xx

btw i once got told from someone who is quite smart, its boring to be normal.. what even is normal? i still have no answer so i guess nobody is normal which is a good thing im glad im not! haha :)

hi neverblieve. thanks for replying to me, i kinda feel a wee bit better now you replied. i didn't think anyone would reply to me. i thought when people read it they would also think im crazy. yeah i guess there isn't such thing as normal, so what i mean i guess is to be like everyone else, be liked by people and not to be judged

Hey, course someone would reply, i always will anyway. Iv used eau for years and im sure they will write soon. Glad you feel a little better. You seem really nice, what makes you think noone likes you? Because some people say horrible things sometimes doesnt mean ur not like them i bet they sometimes say them caise they think if they do it they will fit in and be liked if that makes sence to you? Can you talk to a friend or someone in your family? Oh btw i defo dont think ur crazy so dont worry!! People in the world will always jugde people some worse than others but thats just the way things are, the ones who do though are usally the ones who are unhappy seriously themselfs. Stay strong and keep postive. Think of it this way... everyday that goes by is a day further away from your hurt and a day closer to you being free from your hurt.. you feeling any better today? Im not sure if im helping you much dont know what im doing but just being honest so hopefully it helps even just a little xx

thankyou, you seem nice too. yes you kind of make sense :) im ok, hate sundays though, knowing im back at school tomorrow. i know what you say is right but thinking it myself isn't easy. i have friends who i can talk to but i find it so hard to tell them how i feel. i do feel crazy. the thoughts i have are not normal. i wonder sometimes what the point in life. things are suppose to be better but there not. i just don't think they will ever be. i thought the hardest part would be stopping the abuse and thats what everyone says, i've done the hardest bit but i don't see it that way. living with it after and living everyday with the memories and hurt is the hardest part for me. i don't think i will ever be over what happened. that i can't live with.
anyway ignore me. hope your ok and thanks for talking to me

Hi Carrie,

I'm sorry it's taken a few days for me to reply.

Well done for posting and talking on here, that's a very brave step.

Making the abuse stop is not the hardest bit like you said. Some people think the minute you make it stop you can move on and forget about it, as you know it's not as easy as that. But you are a very strong person. You may not believe that but you are.

Like Never Believe said, you can talk to us at Eighteen And Under. The phone number is 01382 206222 or you can come into our office if you live near by or workers email addresses are underneath their posts in blue. You'll see mine at the bottom and you can feel free to email me if you like.

Take care,
Jerri

Hi Carrie

sorry to hear your having such a hard time but like jerri said you can phone or e-mail if things are getting to much for you to cope with on your own.

It takes a lot of courage to stop abusers but you did it and that brilliant but the pain doesnt just go away,thats why its good to talk so your not trying to deal with it on your own . stay strong and know that there are people who care x

haha im glad i kinda make sence:P is there a class or that that you do like at school? its always hard to tell someone how you feel esp if you are having horrible thoughts. Yeah your right it doesnt just go away after you stop it, defo not but its the beinging,i know me saying your not crazy probs isnt helping but your strong enough to take the first steps so i believe that you will be strong and brave enough to make the rest of the jounrey, you just have to believe yourself, harder said than done though right? but 18 and under im sure will help you do that x

Hiya sorry it's taken me a while to reply. Thanks guys for replying to me. I will definitly email someone but what is your confidentiality policy if thats ok to ask. I don't want to have to worry about what i'm saying to you.
Thanks NB and you do talk sense and yeah its harder said than done. You seem a very strong person too. I hope one day i can be as strong as you. I do feel wee bit better talking on here. its so much easy to write down how i feel rather than saying face to face. I gave up with the counselling cos i felt stupid sitting there having to tell someone face to face how i was feeling. I know they don't judge but i would sit there wondering what they were thinking of me and the counsellor kept agreeing with everything i said and it was kinda annoying. She would make it sound like she understood but i know and i bet you do too they don't understand at all.
All i wanna do is feel normal again and if i could turn back time i would change everything i did and do it all a different way.
I kinda talk rubbish don't i? lol

Heey, know you dont talk rubbish, i honestly know what your saying about the coucilling stuff, i hated going cause she kept writing things down and going, yes.. how did that make you feel, youd answer and she would again say, i understand what did you do about that feeling, like she was reading it all from some text book, its not like that at eau though, everytime iv spoke to someone they didnt write it down and they didnt constantly say how does that make you feel or i understand haha! was so good not to just hear someone repeating themself plus my doctor kept doing something strange with her eyes that made me scared haha! xx

but if you get the right doctor coucilling can be good too, i got one called claire i thought she was the same as the other but she was pretty awesome after a while and helped me heaps! x

I've already changed counsellors twice. i just don't find it helps talking to them. i get fed up with people saying they understand when they don't, how can they? i've just been told im moving place to. another set of carers. i feel like im a toy or an animal that gets past around. i some times wonder if this life is worth living. even wish i hadn't woken up when i tried ending my life. I know everyone keeps saying it will get easier and better but when? Im not sure i can be like this for much longer.

Aww, maybe coucillings just not for you then but thats okay, its never for everyone... theres so many other ways, just dont give up :)Some people may understand we never know whats actully happened in there past ya know? it might be something simlar to ours, but they jsut havent told anyone or anything so it could be thats why they are trying to help others, i know my old one was abused when she was younger and thats the reason she did that job because she wanted to help others that were going through what she did for a long time, she was lovely.

i promise you that you will get better though, i know your fed up hearing that and youll laugh it off as if to say yeah right whatever i did the same but it does get better it takes such a long time and its so dam hard i wont lie but you get there, i still have horrbile days where i wish i wasnt here or i didnt wanna get out of my bed but then all the other days i feel like im myself and i can smile and do what i want, thats all i ever wanted and having one bad day every so often is nothing to pay, everyone has bad days.. but you have made it another day further away from your past now.. you have to stay strong and postive i know its hard and it takes alot to do, but your doing it and you have to keep doing it, now your hear you can talk more and get the help you need to get the way you want to be :) it takes along time to get better im not fully "better" yet but i believe i will get there with the right help.. but yeah it takes a long time you just have to want it, you really have to want it because only you can change things.. nobody else can yof course they can and do help but they cant change it for you, im in work right now and just realise im tottaly rubbling on trying to explain what makes sense when im thinkin about it but not as much when im typing it haha! but owells hope it helps you some :) x

Thanks nb. Im not going into school today. told my mum Im ill, not extactlly true. could i come see someone today. I can come before my mum comes home from work. Im well nervous but nb assures me your all nice.

Hey, they are all really nice promise.
you should call though because they might not be on the web before your mum comes home, so you should give them a call hun? xx

or just go down its a drop in hunni, just check whos in :) xx

Hi Carrie
it would be great if you can cone down if you phone 01382 206222 and i can meet you outside or just come up wotever you prefer xx

Hi Carrie
dont worry if you dont make it today you can arrange to come down when it suits you ok, or even phone and chat to us first untill you feel ok about coming down there's no pressure or rush x

sorry about yesterday. I'm gonna email you something if thats ok.

Hey there, I'm keiran and I work with 18U as well.

You can email Karen anytime you like, or any of the workers on here, I just saw your posts and wanted to give a quick reply to your question about the confidentiality policy.

It's a little complicated so the best thing to do is call up or pop in and ask about it, I'm going to look at adding it to the website later this week as well but in the meantime a really basic explanation is that we are fully confidential unless there is serious concern for someone's safety, when you first call up or visit though you don't have to tell us your full name and address or anything like that so you will have a certain amount of anonymity which might make you feel more comfortable.

When people come to us for support they can talk about anything they like, we don't do counselling so we aren't going to ask you loads of questions or try to analyse you so you can say as much or as little as you want to.

Quite often young people just pop in for a chat about anything! (Justin Bieber and 1 Direction are banned though :P)

Unless you tell us that something very bad is about to happen to you or someone you know, we won't give any information about you or what you've said to anyone else.

Hope that helps

Hey everyone im back :) ive been in hospital for awhile. I kinda did something stupid and tried to take my own life. Obversly it didn't work as im still here lol. I ended up in a coma for 3 weeks and had to stay in hospital for nearly 4 weeks after. I dont know wether im glad i woke up or not. I dont know. Anyway just wanted to say hi :)

Hi Carrie,

I hope you're well

Grrrr i've had enough of this crazy place. Feel like screaming. im on my way :) hope someone is in when i get there

Hi Carrie
im in untill 5 if you want to come down hope your ok x

sorry i didn't get to see you:( i left with out my mum knowing and cos of what i did last time she calledthe police and they took it seriously. When i was walking they saw me. I told them i was coming to see you guys and they knew who you were but said cos my mum was was worried and called them they had to take me home :( i hate it here. as soon i get chance im leaving this stupid place for good. :'( noone is listening to anything i say and its not fair

Hey Carrie, My name is Michael and i am a volunteer at 18 and Under, sorry you never made it in the other day but i am sure that the police and your family were just worried... even tho that wont help you i know sometimes you just need to escape and chill somewhere you can feel safe, even tho we are closed over the weekend you can still post on here if you need to vent out, and if you want to come down next week then give us a call or email and someone will get back to you and let you know who's in etc.... Plus maybe just letting someone know you are going out for a bit might be a good idea, i know you feel at times you just gotta leave and go but it shows some people in your life do care :) spk soon...

what am i suppose to do? I can't handle anymore. i can't do it:'( im just going to say goodbye