Let’s look at the first 15 lines, and the rhythm of the letter:
This is my first letter
I am going to write
I will tell you
We were undecided
We had a number
This one girl kept
She would not have been
She presented me
I told her
She said she had a
She said she had to take
She wasn't home.
I called her
I received an electric bill
The sentences are constructed without variety, in a subject + verb, ‘I will’,‘I told’, ‘I received’,’she said’ style; and this continues throughout.
“She said she had one small dog that was trained. She was to cut the grass once a week. It has almost an acre in the country. She left ... We picked up six large bags…”
“I went to the police ... I was given a case number and told to call back in a few days. I was told the officer … I called the county prosecutor. I was not going to let this go. I was told … I reported…”
By choosing to write as if journaling these events, you have limited yourself to a recounting of bald facts. Nevertheless, let’s see if a section could be made a little more vivid.
You write:
“Well, when I went to the house, I could smell the house even before I went inside. She had fly strips hanging in every room, which I never use. There was…This girl had a one year lease the people that lived in the home included her, her 24 year old son, who she claimed had one quarter of school left and then would be moving out, and her 3 year old granddaughter that she had custody of…She left a mattress in the yard, a couch in the shed, and a bed frame and box springs in the house. We picked up six large garbage bags of trash inside and we haven't even put a dent in it. My refrigerator and mower were stolen.”
I’m not Evelyn Waugh, but I came up with:
“As I approached the front door, I was assailed by the stench emanating from within. Bracing myself, I ventured inside, to be confronted with old and new dog crap on the carpet and walls, and fly strips hanging in every room. With the dog crap attracting the flies, the strips were black with the unsuspecting ones that had alighted and found it their final resting place. This girl had taken a one-year lease, and lived there with her 24-year-old son and three-year-old granddaughter, whom she has custody of. I shuddered to think that a small child had been living in such appalling mess and that perhaps the dog crap on the walls was her finger-painting. The amount of trash was such that filling six bags made no dent in it. What we really needed was a skip, what with an old mattress left in the yard, a couch in the shed, and a bed and box springs. However, she did take my refrigerator and my mower! “