Hi there,
I have to turn my cover letter into nothing but simple sentences. I know what the definition is, but I am just having troubles.
Is someone willing to give me feed back???
Is this a homework assignment or something similar?
PaulM
It is. I think I am pretty good. Its just a few sentences that has me thrown off. This cover letter can ONLY obtain simple sentences. I have gone through it and did "find the subject, now find the verb". But I am struggling. And I have rewrote this thing so many times.
Okay, go ahead.
PaulM
THANK YOU PAUL. This one here is another revised one from the first revised one that my teacher (in general before the simple sentence deal) picked on line by line...
To Whom It May Concern at Royal Palm General Surgeons:
I am enthusiastic about the open position of general surgeon available in your practice. My expertise in the fields of general surgery and surgical oncology will bring the best surgical options to your patients.
I graduated in 2007 from New Jersey Medical School and completed a surgical residency at the State University of New York at Stoney Brook Program in 2012. Being a board certified general surgeon has allowed me to obtain a fellowship in surgical oncology at the City of Hope Medical Center in 2014.
My specializations are in breast surgeries, skin cancer removals (including skin grafting), and complex hernia repairs. The advancement in medical technology gave me the opportunity to be the first surgeon to perform a SILS laparoscopic cholecystectomy.
In 2015 I became Chairman of the Department of Surgery at Northwest Medical Center. My fellow peers nominated me for this position after saving a life of a young lady with bilateral breast cancer. She was 27 weeks pregnant with twins when she was first diagnosed. I quickly coordinated the schedules of an obstetrician, oncologist, and plastic surgeon. We performed a double mastectomy successfully.
What I will bring to your practice is a proven commitment of first-rate health care, excellent patient treatment, and the desire to continually improve the quality of life for my patients.
You're sentences are all fine and well-constructed. Are you asking if every one of them is a "simple" sentence as opposed to a "compound" or "complex" one?
PaulM
Yes Paul, I am. I can not have any complex or compound sentences. I feel like for the most part im okay. Would you be willing to tell me which ones i need to fix? or how to fix it? I am only allow to use "I" 5 times. For each addtl "I" he will deduct 2 points
Hi Cory
You have some complex an compound sentences. I've flagged them up below.
I graduated in 2007 from New Jersey Medical School and completed a surgical residency at the State University of New York at Stoney Brook Program in 2012. COMPOUND SENTENCE, TWO VERB PHRASES
Being a board certified general surgeon has allowed me to obtain a fellowship in surgical oncology at the City of Hope Medical Center in 2014. COMPLEX SENTENCE, TWO SUBORDINATE CLAUSES
The advancement in medical technology gave me the opportunity to be the first surgeon to perform a SILS laparoscopic cholecystectomy. COMPLEX SENTENCE
My fellow peers nominated me for this position after saving a life of a young lady with bilateral breast cancer. COMPLEX SENTENCE She was 27 weeks pregnant with twins when she was first diagnosed. COMPLEX SENTENCE
What I will bring to your practice is a proven commitment of first-rate health care, excellent patient treatment, and the desire to continually improve the quality of life for my patients. COMPLEX SENTENCE
PaulM
Thank you so much Paul!! Back to the drawing board for these. Not being able to say the word I is hard =/
Hi Cory
A suggestion: you could change your first example to:
"I completed a surgical residency at the State University of New York at Stoney Brook Program in 2012, following my graduation from New Jersey Medical School".
OR:
"The/My completion of a surgical residency at the State University of New York at Stoney Brook Program in 2012 followed my graduation from New Jersey Medical School".
You may prefer the second one, as it has no "I" in it!
PaulM
After looking at it, I am stuck lol. I have cut out so much of my cover letter. I know it is supposed to sound like a 5 year old did it.
Tonight I will go through them and redo them. If i need help or a suggestion, would you mind me asking you?
No problem; did you see my suggestions for your first sentence?
PaulM
I sure did and it makes sense. I am going to try to follow that pattern for the others and see what I come up with.
It is greatly appreciated.
So a quick question, what makes those complex sentences?
They are complex because they each contain at least one subordinate (dependent) clause. Take the last one:
What I will bring to your practice is a proven commitment of first-rate health care, excellent patient treatment, and the desire to continually improve the quality of life for my patients.
The underlined elements are subordinate (dependent) clauses. A simple sentence has just one independent clause with only one predicate, but in that sentence, there are two dependent clauses (as I've underlined) each with its own subject and predicate. The main verb is "is".
Consider these pairs of simple/complex sentences:
"Kim is an actor". (simple)
"Kim is an actor who lives in England". (complex)
"Ed and Kim are highly qualified doctors". (simple)
"Ed and Kim are highly qualified doctors working in the USA". (complex)
"I have a medical degree from xyz University". (simple)
"I have a medical degree from xyz University where I studied for five years". (complex)
"Kim gave Ed her address". (simple)
"Kim gave Ed her email address when she saw him in town". (complex)
As you can see, the simple sentences are just single independent clauses with only one predicate. By contrast, the others contain dependent clauses each with their own predicate (underlined) and hence are called 'complex' sentences.
Is that clearer now?
PaulM
I see now. Sigh, this makes me feel so dumb. I apologize. English was my worst subject. I can write essays and 100's on them until I am blue in the face. But cant write simple sentences.
To follow up....
My second complex sentence "Being a board..."
New one : I received a fellowship in surgical oncology at the City of Hope Medical Center in 2014.
My third : " The advancement in.."
New One: I was the first surgeon to perform a SILS laparoscopic cholecystectomy.
My fourth: "My fellow peers..."
New one: I need help. I do not know how to word this in a way where I am not losing the "meat" of the paragraph. Only thing I can think of is just do There was a pregnant patient with bilateral breast cancer and then literally cut out the rest of the information.
In 2015 I was awarded Chairman of the Department of Surgery by the president of Northwest Medical Center. There was a pregnant patient with bilateral breast cancer. My fellow peers nominated me for this position after saving a life of a young lady with bilateral breast cancer. She was 27 weeks pregnant with twins when she was first diagnosed. I quickly coordinated the schedules of an obstetrician, oncologist, and plastic surgeon. We performed a double mastectomy successfully.
The fifth one: " What I bring"
New One: I will bring to your practice a proven commitment of first-rate health care along with excellent patient treatment. and continually improving the quality of life for the patients. What I will bring to your practice is a proven commitment of first-rate health care, excellent patient treatment, and the desire to continually improve the quality of life for my patients
--Again stuck. Only thing I can think of is only saying the first sentence and literally cutting everything else out.
Why is this difficult? Or am I making it out to be difficult?
HI Paul,
Okay ...here is what I came up with.
I am enthusiastic about the open position of a general surgeon available in your practice. My expertise in the fields of general surgery and surgical oncology will bring the best surgical options to your patients.
The completion of a surgical residency at the State University of New York at Stoney Brook Program in 2012 followed my graduation from New Jersey Medical School. I received a fellowship in surgical oncology at the City of Hope Medical Center in 2014.
My specializations are in breast surgeries, skin cancer removals (including skin grafting), and complex hernia repairs. I was the first surgeon to perform a SILS laparoscopic cholecystectomy.
In 2015 I was awarded Chairman of the Department of Surgery by the president of Northwest Medical Center. A pregnant patient came into my office with bilateral breast cancer. I quickly coordinated the schedules of an obstetrician, oncologist, and plastic surgeon. We performed a double mastectomy successfully.
My desire is to improve the quality of life for patients. I will bring to your practice a proven commitment of first-rate health care with excellent patient treatment.
It sucks because I feel like I have had to remove SO much and now it sounds bad =(
I like your revisions, but may I suggest a few changes as I've set out below? The occurrences of the pronoun "I" is four, so you're okay there. Take a look and get back to me if you need some further help.
I am enthusiastic about the open position of a general surgeon available in your practice. My expertise in the fields of general surgery and surgical oncology will bring the best surgical options to your patients.
The completion of a surgical residency at the State University of New York at Stoney Brook Program in 2012 followed my graduation from New Jersey Medical School. I received a fellowship in surgical oncology at the City of Hope Medical Center in 2014. A fellowship in surgical oncology at the City of Hope Medical Center was awarded to me in 2014.
My specializations are in breast surgeries, skin cancer removals (including skin grafting), and complex hernia repairs. I was the first surgeon to perform a SILS laparoscopic cholecystectomy. As a result of the advancement in medical technology, I performed the first SILS laparoscopic cholecystectomy.
In 2015 I was awarded Chairman of the Department of Surgery by the president of Northwest Medical Center. A pregnant patient came into my office with bilateral breast cancer. I quickly coordinated the schedules of an obstetrician, oncologist, and plastic surgeon. We performed a double mastectomy successfully.
In 2015, the president of Northwest Medical Center awarded me the position of Chairman of the Department of Surgery. Prior to that, I saved the life of a young lady with bilateral breast cancer. At the time of her first diagnosis, she was 27 weeks pregnant with twins. I quickly coordinated the schedules of an obstetrician, oncologist, and plastic surgeon. This resulted in a successful double mastectomy.
My desire is to improve the quality of life for patients. I will bring to your practice a proven commitment of first-rate health care with excellent patient treatment.
My target is the continual improvement of the quality of life for patients. Your practice will benefit from my proven commitment to first-rate health care and excellent patient treatment.
PaulM
thanks Paul!!!
Question, in the 4th paragraph, how is "prior to that" not an introductory phrase?
Simple sentences can be quite complicated, though they can only have one subject and one predicate. The fact that there is an introductory phrase doesn't mean that the sentence is not a simple one. If it contained a verb/predicate, that would be different because the sentence would then be a complex one.
Don't forget that almost all sentences are either simple, compound, complex or compound-complex, and there is no way that your sentence belongs one of the last three types.
Here's an example of a complicated sentence containing no less that six preposition phrases (three are introductory) but it is still a simple sentence:
"On Wednesday at my house, in the garden, from about midday, the dog played very happily with the cat until about 3 o'clock".
Why do you ask? Have you been told to avoid such phrases, or do you have some other concern?
PaulM